We’ve spent the better part of the last months in a bit of controlled chaos in our house. I say controlled because I chose this chaos to happen. Every drawer, every closet, every room is up for grabs. Extra work keeping us from doing other things with the promise of a big win for our future selves.
And there is another layer of what we are doing, unseen but deeply felt.
When my husband and I were married, we were older. The last of our friends to take the leap and both of us with established homes. One of the other things we had in common was that both of our parents were older than typical when they had us so our parents and other family members were aging. We were not kids starting out together with nothing and a village to help us.
I had previously decided to start my own business, a way to build a fuller life for myself because I had all but given up hope for marriage and family. I had also just taken on the role as chairman of the board of a national historic district. Two weeks into that role the director quit, making me also acting director of an organization that was struggling in its own kind of transition. It never occurred to me that if I wanted different, things would have to change in big ways, but I was like a ship already headed in a different direction that takes a lot of effort to turn around.
After the engagement it was straight into wedding planning and setting up a “together” life. I remember we would say to each other…once the wedding is over life will settle down again.
That never happened. Life kept moving and changing so fast I felt like I was in a constant state of figuring out what the new normal was.
Then it began. Shortly into our marriage I was 6 months pregnant when my husband’s father passed and my mother was quickly settling into something that was not named yet but I knew I was losing the woman she had always been. By the time the child I was carrying was two years old and I had an infant too, the avalanche hit. 6 elder family members passing including my mother in just a few months time.
My kids’ time spent getting to know their aunts, uncles, and cousins was at funerals and life celebrations. There were no grandparents to babysit, no great aunties to answer that call when I needed to talk to someone with life wisdom. We were emptying houses and lives into nothingness not seeing how we were at the same time taking on old family ghosts and burdens, not just figuratively.
It took 6 months for me to begin grieving my mother’s passing. I was writing a eulogy, planning an event for people to process the loss, taking care of my very little children, running my architecture firm, attending board meetings, and running a national historic landmark. I just thought I had been through this before, I am strong, and I need to carry on because there is no room to let go of anything.
Until one night… I walked in the door to my home after work, collapsed on the floor and cried, “I want my mommy!” My toddlers ran over and patted my back saying “do your yoga breathing mommy, you will be ok.” But as the years passed, I lost three of my four siblings while my kids were still young. I feel like I spent so much time taking on things from lives that were not mine out of respect for people that meant a lot to me. It just kept adding up like a sacred pile of junk.
So here we are now, 22 years into marriage with two young adult children starting to spread their wings to fly. Parenting is a very different journey and I am ready to rid our lives of all the things we collected along the way, things that came to us when the people we loved passed, things that no longer have a use, things that are technically worth something but not enough to justify the time and effort of selling them for $15, and all the things I just never had a moment to see were not needed any more because life is different now. It can feel so wrong to just throw things away that at some point to someone meant something. But it all takes up physical, emotional, and spiritual space that eventually becomes a burden, not a comfort. And… they can carry very real unseen family darkness.
That’s why I say it’s deliberate and controlled chaos. It’s a long overdue time to let go. A time to make sure we leave a legacy that does not feel like a burden to our children, and to lighten the load for what’s left in our lives.
It’s not just spring cleaning. It’s a spiritual cleansing, a sacred soul healing process, and a proper depossession. Things hold energy and souls and spirits with unhealthy attachments to the physical world can quietly wreak havoc in our lives. So does grief that was never processed, unfinished business, and family derms. You don’t clear out the stuff to make room for light. You use light as the tool, the spiritual sword that disinfects the darkness from the past.
If you are in a season of clearing out, here are the 3 principles guiding me that might help you too.
1. Don’t avoid grieving. Sometimes holding on to physical things is a type of avoidance, a way to delay decisions and feelings. Loss is heartbreaking and grieving is very personal, but avoiding the grieving becomes a sneaky burden that gets heavier over time.
I tend to skip a step. I am the person who people turn to in the moments when others break down. But that does not mean that I should skip the breakdown myself. What is your SOP (standard operating procedure) when it comes to recognizing when and how to grieve? And does it serve you well or does it need to shift?
2. Remember that what is really important lives in your soul, literally, for eternity. That’s the part you take with you. Your physical environment should support you now, not some imagined or hoped for future, and not some past trauma. This is where it can feel brutal. Does it truly serve your CURRENT needs body, heart, spirit, and soul? Knowing yourself, your situation, and your goals is really important and that can take some effort before you even start. So when you get the feels for an object, perhaps ask for help from the angels to discern if the item is truly supportive or weighing you down. There is nothing wrong with giving something old new life and purpose, but taking a beat to ask yourself if that’s what you are truly doing is worth it.
3. Life is change. Stagnation is death and decay. When we resist change, we lose opportunities for really good stuff that’s trying to enter our lives. Change is also really hard for many. If you had a tough childhood or experienced trauma that created in you a sense of not being safe, change can feel threatening. Part of the work, then, is learning that our safety cannot depend on everything around us staying the same. That’s why it’s really important to work on how to feel safe in the world outside of circumstance being perfect and learn to trust ourselves to handle life. The burden of safety is taken off the thing and then the thing is no longer needed.
When you’ve made an effort to cleanse and heal the body, it seems a natural outcome to do this in your surroundings too. It’s a reflection and alignment of that work. It feels right and good and brings clarity, even when it’s hard
PS. The Medical Medium Spiritual Lights of Free Will tools are really helpful in this process and it’s a great time to whistle while you work (IYKYK If not check our the Medical Medium’s Angels and Demons audio book https://www.medicalmedium.com/angels-demons-and-spiritual-tools-original-audio)
And here is a link to the Medical Medium Spiritual Light of Free Will tools.
https://www.medicalmedium.com/medical-medium-spiritual-lights-of-free-will